Maybe a week ago I decided that I was finally old enough to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Consequently, I borrowed it from the library and watched it a few days ago.
Before we get into the dirty, please be assured that the following post is essentially only spoilers. You good?
Here we go.
I mean, we do all know already that a bunch of people are chased by a chainsaw-wielding person with a literal face mask, right? Like a face mask made out of face. A face face mask.
I try to stick to good horror movies and they can go bad very easily. But Texas Chainsaw Massacre has a relatively favorable rating on various sites and it’s kind of considered a classic. Not Psycho or The Shining level classic. But it is a pop culture touchstone.
And for some reason I had built it up in my head to be the scariest of the scary. Possibly because I confused the prevalence of the tropes (I’ve been chased by masked people carrying chainsaws at least 3 times) with the horror of the film.
Because (and I hope this isn’t horror blasphemy) I thought it was pretty stupid.
Let’s make it a list, shall we?
- Why do so many horror films make the kids/young adults (the victims) so annoying? I was ready for these people to kick the bucket three minutes in.
- The victim posse is composed of two women and three men. The second string woman is pretty much only portrayed by butt shots. Like from below, pointing up at the rump of her shorts. Her name is Pam. I could eventually recognize her by her face, rather than her posterior, but at that point she was locked in a meat fridge.
- So many loose ends introduced just to create tension and then never followed up on. What is the writing on the car in blood? Why are these people stealing bodies from the graveyard and populating their town with desiccated corpses? How have they not contracted cholera or some such?
- They want me to be in horror of Leatherface, but at first he’s really relatable. More than the failed Scooby Doo gang with the van, anyway. If someone starts walking around in your obviously inhabited house to explore, I think you’re perfectly justified in bashing their head in with a hammer.
- So this family of killer rednecks is supposed to be super good at killing, having all worked in the local slaughterhouse. So why is Pam still alive in the meat freezer after having been hung from a meat hook?
- Even the dude who dies first isn’t dead when Leatherface smashes his head with a hammer- he has to do it again.
- Who is this weird grandfather guy? What is going on?
- Why does the gas station man not want them to go to their father’s old house and endanger themselves when he and his family are eventually going to try to kill them? Whose side are you on, Sir!?
I mean, I generally like moral ambiguity but this was not touched on at all, so it was just dumb.
- What is the boy in the wheelchair’s obsession with blowing raspberries? It’s unattractive.
- This woman when she’s running from Leatherface at the end. Be more quiet. People have no idea how to run from murderers. Smh.
- What does the blood writing on the van have to do with anything? Wait, I already said that. Clearly this is really bothering me.
- Why does what’s her name (not butt-Pam) take her brother’s knife?
- And most of all, why is this film so well reviewed?